Loyalty Ch.26

A Declaration
Dib took a deep breath, shoving said shaking hands into his pockets, clenching them into fists. "Well…something. I guess. I mean, I thought a lot, Zim. About everything. From our friendship, to when we were enemies…to Space. And, well I…" God, could he say it? He had to or it would kill him.  "I love you."

--

Zim sank into the couch, a hard day's work spelled out as sweat on his brow. He had finally managed to get the crusted goop out of the crooks and nannies of his base. It still wasn't quite where he'd like it to be, but at least it was tolerable.

He was trying to force Gir to help him to clean, as punishment, but that had died away shortly after the robot tried to gurgle the cleaning agent, so instead sent him out of a few 'errands'.

Zim looked at the clock on the wall, hardly phased by its cold face. Had it been three days, already?

"I wonder what the Dib is doing…" He asked the detergent-scented air in a soft voice. He sat up, peeling off the large yellow rubber gloved from his claws and dropping them into the bucket of mucky water. He had been cleaning almost non-stop since that day, but it didn't occur to Zim that he had only been keeping himself busy so he wouldn't think about Dib.

Every time that human crossed his mind, Zim couldn't help but feel…flustered. He felt almost angry at Dib, but mostly for not being here, with him. He hated that he couldn't stand the distance between them, suddenly. What happened? What changed?

A month ago, Dib's very presence would have infuriated Zim to his very core, but now…it seems to shake him in a way he'd never experienced before. His hands tremble and long to be entangled in that dark hair, to feel his oddly hued skin, to nest between his large hands.

Zim cupped his face in his hands as he thought about it, hunched over in his seat. He thought he had come to terms that they were no longer enemies, that they would get along from now on, but there seemed to be something underlining that Zim couldn't quite grasp. There was something else there, something new to the both of them.

Maybe if he could see Dib, it would spell itself out. No, no that wouldn't work. Imagining Dib's face in his mind's eye, Zim knew that it would only make things worse. Those strange, amber eyes would only tear through him and make this feeling worse, more tangible but just out of Zim's reach.

Even knowing this, he still ached for the human's company. To hear that still somewhat childish voice babble on in excitement over gross food and strange sciences. Zim's eyes fluttered shut as he could practically hear Dib's voice now, calling out to him and calling him a jerk. He opened his eyes again and looked down at his hands, still bare. His gloves were still at the human's house. His eyes lit up and Zim shot up out of his seat.

"That's right! I need my gloves, don't I? A proper Invader always needs his gloves." The perfect excuse. Zim fished his disguise out of his PAK as he made his way to the door. Just as Dib was about to ring the door bell. His fingertip brushed the button, the human caught between insecurities and excitement, just as the door flew inwards revealing the Irken all dressed in his disguise.

This morning Dib had woken up feeling brand new. After his realization he'd kind of fainted, curled up in a ball and just let it sink in. But, now that he knew…it was like the sun was shining down just for him and when he'd walked down the street, he practically skipped.

But, now…face to face with Zim well that confidence was slipping. What if…what if Zim thought it was stupid and kicked him out or—Dib internally shook himself.  

Seeing the alien for the first time in days was wonderful. Gold eyes flickered all over Zim, admiring and soaking in his presence.  Finally, the teen spoke, sounding breathless. "Hiya."

Zim nearly ran into the human in his rush to get out the door. He let out a small squeak as he stumbled backwards, holding onto the door for support.
"Dib!" He yelped in surprise.

After composing himself for a moment, he cleared his throat and set his hands on his hips, trying to hide his obvious excitement. He had been hoping to see Dib, but now that he was here, Zim found himself in the center of a whirlwind of conflicting emotions.
The way Dib lit up when he saw Zim, so obvious and not even trying to hide it, shot through Zim and made his gut turn.

Was he here solely to confuse him? Because it was working.

"What are you doing here? Finally decide to leave your cave?"

The human smirked lightly then it fell away in confusion. "Yes? No. Wait it's not a cave. Just uh…" He shrugged. "I uh wanted to see you. I thought and well, I'm done thinking..." He cleared his throat, and shoved his hands in his pockets so he didn't touch the alien. "Can I uh, come in?" Please.

Zim stood for a moment, hesitant, before stepping aside to let the human enter. It was a surreal moment; after all these year of trying to keep Dib out, he was literally inviting him in. He wondered just how many levels this held true.

"Thinking, eh?" He finally asked after closing the door.

Dib spun around a bit taking in the fresh, wonderfully clean room. He nodded in approval. "Uh yeah. Thinking. And I thought and now…I'm back." Not even a spot of that horrid goop left. Zim was nothing but thorough. The teen finally forced himself to look at the reason he'd came here.

"You're in your disguise…"

Zim stood with his hands on his hips, as if waiting for something. Although he wasn't sure what, exactly. He rolled his eyes slightly before discarding his wig and contacts, though he was relieved to be out of his disguise, he still didn't fully understand why Dib hated it so much.

"Back for what, exactly?" Zim asked. He was delighted to see Dib, of course, but he held himself back, as he was still uncertain as to what to expect from the human. At this point, anything could happen. Zim was treading on unexplored territory, and he was terribly lost.

But Dib looked anxious, and it set Zim on edge.

Dib felt a buzz of pleasure when the hated disguise disappeared. Granted Zim looked attractive all the time…but without it..well, he was stunning. And that sounded so stupid that he was glad it was only in his head.  "Well, I just…" Should he just come out and say it…or wait a bit? Fuck it, being away from him this long kind of made him crazed.

And being in close proximity now was driving Dib wild. "One moment."  The human took a step towards Zim, cupped the back of his neck and kissed him, letting himself linger and bask in the truth that they were together before stepping back again and letting out all the air he'd been holding these last three days.

How long had it been since Zim felt the warm embrace of Dib's lips? It had been ages, right? Surely at least a year had passed. He hadn't really noticed how long it had been until he felt their lips mash together in this moment, and he felt lost in it. He had to close his eyes and catch his breath after they had parted, but worry set in once he regained his composure.

"What's this all about, Dib?" He asked, his tone thick with suspicion.

"Nothing." Dib replied, hands shaking without his permission. Damn hands. Fine. Might as well get it over with. Rip off the band aid, now that he'd gotten a kiss. Maybe his last one. Because he'd already made up his mind about Zim, and about this whole stupid love thing.

Zim was it. The one for him. And if he…well, if he didn't love him back. Well that was okay. He kind of assumed already that that would be the case. Irkens couldn't love right? They could feel affection, happiness and obviously lust…but, Zim had told him before that Irkens needed no one.

Though Zim HAD said he wanted Dib around and that he needed him. But, was that true? What did Zim know about  need? And so it had gone for several hours. Around and around, his mind played nasty tricks until Dib had finally sucked it up and gone to see his alien.

Dib took a deep breath, shoving said shaking hands into his pockets, clenching them into fists. "Well…something. I guess. I mean, I thought a lot, Zim. About everything. From our friendship, to when we were enemies…to Space. And, well I…" God, could he say it? He had to or it would kill him.  "I love you."

Zim stood in silence. What had he just heard? Did his antennae pick that up, correctly? His face twisted into confusion as he thought about it. No, he had heard the human; he told Zim he loved him.

Well, that was something the Irken was not expecting. But of course, what HAD he been expecting? He wasn't sure—but definitely not THAT.

Zim was familiar with the term 'love', of course. He loved his Tallest, and he still had fond feelings for that robot-arm. But that was normal; normal instances of love. Whatever was happening here, whatever the human was confessing, was NOT normal. Not for them, anyway.

No, he could tell this feeling was much different than how he felt for the Tallest. He didn't even know how to describe how it felt to him. With the Tallest, that love was more out of respect, and it was much softer. This feeling was…sharper. It was more dangerous.
He could tell by the look the human was giving him was desperate. Desperate for something, something Zim was not sure he could give. But his chest pained at the sight of that longing expression, and Zim wanted to fill whatever desire the human was asking for.

Dib had given Zim so much in the last few weeks, so much that he was grateful for—even if he didn't fully understand it.

A claw ran across his lips as he thought, his brow furrowed as he glared at the ground, no longer able to make eye contact with Dib. His PAK whirred loudly as he tried to decipher the situation.

Dib was confessing his feelings for Zim, that much Zim could identify with. But the extent of said feelings went over his head. His gut churned nervously.

"What," Zim began, but had to clear his throat and start over. "What do you mean? How…?"

Dib worried his bottom lip, watching as the alien went from confused to shocked and then…what what that look? What was it? He'd sworn he could read pretty much all of Zim's expressions. Seven years of obsession did that. And these last few weeks he'd begun to see new ones, softer ones that made that ache grow larger.

He nearly choked on his tongue. "W-what do you mean how? I do. I love you. I've been obsessed with you since day one. And maybe I used to hate you but, then that went out the window. Or maybe it just twisted itself into some new form of devotion. I mean, Zim…do you know how long it's been since I HAVEN'T thought about you?"

Gold eyes searched for something in ruby orbs. "I don't know. Because it's been too long. Seven years maybe?  And god, being around you, seeing new sides of you…and then in space…afterwards when you just, just held me—" His head shook violently. "This pain just started in my chest. Or maybe it had just made itself known…it wouldn't go away and it kept growing and growing the more I thought of you. And it was so bitter sweet. "

Hands, hands that were scarred and bitten and shaky ran through tangled black hair. "We were enemies for so long that it marked me." Truth. He had the scars to prove it. "Then being your friend made me realize that all along you were what I needed. And then Space..kissing you, touching you…I've never felt so alive."

Dib paced back and forth, stopping to look out the window and then back at Zim. "You're always there. And you've owned me heart, body and mind since you walked into that class room. And I don't expect you say anything like this back, Zim. I know how it is for Irkens…but, I wanted to let you know because I don't think it'll ever go away. It's not a crush. Or lust. Or any of those things that I was praying it was…"

"I love you. And…I know I always will."

Zim listened with a thoughtful expression, taking in this somewhat new information with as much of an open mind as he could possibly muster in this situation. After a moment, Zim took in a deep breath, looking around his base as if something were lying around that could help him.

"Dib-thing, I don't know what to say. I've been…somewhat lost in these recent events." He admitted, not being able to meet the human's eyes. Whatever was happening here, it was affecting Zim physically. He could feel the weight of it on his chest, and he knew that it would kill him if something wasn't said, or done.

But what could Zim say? Dib was giving him everything, here, and Zim could recognize that. But was he allowed to hold himself back from Dib any longer? They had said they would give each other up while they were in the Voot, and it was clear Dib had laid out everything on the field for Zim.

He sighed with the realization that he was willing to accept anything Dib gave him, greedily. He wanted Dib, ALL of Dib. And he wanted to give Dib all of him, as well.

"I already said that I'd give myself to you, and Zim meant it." He started slowly, looking down at his claws, fiddling with them nervously as his gut turned. "But…when I said it, I was still hesitant to do so. But now…seeing you here, having you in my base after days of not seeing you, I realize that there's no reason to be..." He swallowed hard and screwed his eyes shut.

"I told you I need you, and that was something I had meant, as well." He still wasn't sure what he was trying to say, exactly. But he kept talking, hoping it would lead somewhere…to some sort of revelation.

" I've always needed you, even as an enemy. You are the only reason Zim feels…purposeful. But now that we aren't enemies anymore…it feels…better? Almost, but worse at the same time. Because now it doesn't ever feel like enough." His mouth turned into a grimace as he talked, almost as if he was going to start crying.

"Before, everything felt solid. But now…everything's fuzzy. The only thing I'm sure of now is….that I can't go a moment without you near me. I need to know that I can reach out and grab you whenever I need to.  Because without you being near me, I feel lost…" He finally cracked his eyes open, braving a glance at the human for the first time since he had begun his pace around the living room.

"Is that…love?" He asked in a desperate tone, feeling pathetic and vulnerable.

Dib felt on the verge of laughing and crying. It was all at once the most horrible and the most wonderful sensation in the entire universe. So he let it go, and it came out in a burst a strange little laugh that sounded soaked with unleashed tears. Joy.

Dib grabbed Zim's arms and tugged him as close as possible, till everything touched. "It can be. If you want it to be. Because I don't need those words, Zim. I just need you." He murmured, pressing his forehead against the Irken's.